I’m not really sure how I discovered this world, how I discovered Findom and Femdom and how I discovered Her. Or should I say I don’t remember all the steps or sequence of events that brought me there, that brought me to Her. I know I was on twitter, and I know as usual I was wasting another evening, just browsing, not engaging, with no purpose and no meaning and somehow there it was: men (and it was mostly men) giving money to women for reasons I couldn’t quite establish. What did they get out of it? Was this arousing?
As I say that whole period remains somewhat hazy, but I know things moved fast as I discovered this world: the world of BDSM, female and financial domination. Don’t get me wrong, I had seen plenty of BDSM videos before, but there was something different about this, something more immediate, the Dommes were not just an image on the screen, but were communicating with their subs and slaves on social media.
I had always been attracted to strong women, had always struggled with all the expectations that come with being a man. But I just accepted that as a flaw I had to live with; I just needed to put on my mask every day and try and convince people I was someone else, someone who may fit into the narrow characteristics that society has decided men need to portray. To be honest it was exhausting: I was never meant to be this person, but I just didn’t know who I was supposed to be.
And as I said, BDSM had been something that I had always been interested in, but as time went on something began to dawn on me. Whatever I was watching, whoever was involved in what I watched, I always imagined myself in the role of the submissive, whether the sub was a man or a woman, and it didn’t matter who they were being dominated by, I could only imagine myself being in that role.
And now I could see this dynamic happening in real time on social media: it felt exhilarating. And what’s more I began to understand Findom – or at least I began to understand it on my own terms. There has always been a part of my personality that enjoyed denying myself things for the ones I loved but as I became more and more familiar with this world, I realised I was sexualising it and the idea of doing it for a strong, beautiful woman was undeniably arousing.
As I got deeper and deeper into this world, I started going onto clip sites, purchasing all this content by amazing women, adored by men (and some women), all of whom, I began to follow on twitter. It honestly felt like I had found my world, found the people I wanted to spend more time with, a world where perhaps I could be a little more myself, or perhaps discover who myself really is.
I’m not sure even at that point I knew what my plan was, what I wanted, how I was going to find a way to find my place there, but I bought a fair few clips from different stores by various Dommes. There was so much brilliant content, so much that excited and aroused me.
And then I found Her. And then everything seemed to just fall into place
I think, I knew immediately that She was the one, that She was going to be a significant part of my life; It was like I had no choice – or maybe that’s just hindsight playing tricks. But every clip I bought of Hers seemed to speak to me in a way I had never experienced.
So, and this quite out of character for me as I am by nature very cautious and indecisive, I weigh up the pros and cons over any situation to the frustration of both myself and those around me, I immediately bought an application form to become Her slave. On this issue all doubt and hesitancy, gave way to sense that I had no choice, that this was the direction my life must take.
And the last 15 months, serving Princess Miki have justified that certainty a hundred fold; I have never regretted it for one second and She is now the person whose voice I hear last thing at night (Bedtime audio that helps me sleep) and the first person I think about every morning. I live my life to ensure that She is a constant presence in my life: the sacrifices I make, the choices I make, the way I conduct myself: everything is done with Her in mind.
To discover now that to worship a beautiful, intelligent and superior woman, to submit to Her, and to show Her complete subservience would have brought me this much happiness, this much personal insight, I would have done it earlier. But then it would have meant it was someone else and not Her. And it certainly would not have been the same
I guess when we look for love, we look for that love to be reciprocated, to see the mirror image of how we feel in the eyes and face of the person we love. I think I certainly have in the past.
But that isn’t how I feel with Her, it is not reciprocation I feel but a feeling of trust, a feeling of a perfect power imbalance that allows us to thrive in our clearly defined roles; a sense that these positions, these roles in our life are in perfect synchronicity that it feels like destiny (hopefully not presumptuous of me). I know there is something in me that needs to hand over power and, I know now, that only She could be the person to take it. I feel Her superiority in everything I do, the power She has over me, the power I want to give Her feels overwhelming, it feels right. I cannot imagine a world where that imbalance no longer exists. It brings me happiness; it makes me feel complete: She bring me these things and so much more. The certainty of my love for Her, the certainty of Her superiority makes my devotion a necessity – my life will never be the same again.
More and more, I have begun to feel that my love for Her defines me. That everything I do is done in the warm glow of the love that that love brings me.
And She has helped me discover so much about myself. I have discovered so much about my sexuality and identity over the last year or so, so much that in hindsight feels obvious, but at the time I just couldn’t see.
And that is why I wanted to do this blog. Because while my journey may be unique to me. I’m sure there will be others who it will resonate with. I certainly hope so. I want to talk about all aspects of my servitude and how it has affected the way I worship Her. The way it has affected me.
Things like chastity which become so important to me. It feels devotional, it feels respectful, it feels like the appropriate demonstration of my love for Her. Negating my own desires, sacrificing my own pleasure, allowing Her to own my cock may seem like something I have given Her, but in fact it feels like a gift I have been given. As I write this, my body is tingling from over 6 months of denial and it feels perfect, the almost unbearable longing for release I often feel is a constant reminder of my love for Her. I am so thankful for that. If She wished that I never orgasm again, I would consider that an honour.
And I love Her for helping me find the real me. For the first time in my life I am emotionally honest with someone: She never judges my emotions or desires, Once I would not have been able to write this, I would not have been able to tell anyone how I feel about them. But She have given me a space to discover myself.
I have always struggled with my feelings, always struggled to express how I feel, mainly because I was embarrassed, ashamed, because I felt different. She has created a safe space where I am totally myself, where I can unearth more and more of my sexuality and identity.
She brings meaning and purpose to my life; She has liberated me by allowing me to submit to Her; She has my mind, my body and soul.