The last year and a half or so have brought with it an incredible amount of changes to my life. Not least of these changes being my servitude to my Mistress, Princess Miki. This is a relationship that has been life changing and one that has brought the kind of happiness that I feared had eluded me.
Prior to the beginning of 2019, and for many years, I had struggled with depression and a growing sense that however hard I tried, a sense of contentment may never be attainable. On the face of it, I may have seemed to be, if not happy, then living a life that was full of many of the things that people imagine, incorrectly, constitute a fulfilling life. Yes, I had been single for a while with what seemed, for various reasons, little prospect of that situation changing, but generally speaking, I gave off the air of someone who was reasonably happy with their lot. I had a good job, which was well-paid and reasonably fulfilling, working alongside people, who for the most part, I liked. I had my health and enough contact with friends and family, as someone, who generally enjoyed their own company, could tolerate.
I did crave connection: a relationship that went beyond friendship, where the prospect of something truly meaningful might be found, but for various reasons, I had come to the point in my life where that seemed if not impossible, then increasingly unlikely.
Despite the stereotype – which I’m sure is just that: a stereotype – of the world of Female Domination and slaves where the latter are presumed to be loveless virgins, I had had a few relationships. But with the failure of each one, in no small part attributable, I believe, to my inability to live within the confines of a conventional relationship, I began to become more and more resigned to a life where perhaps being single was the best option for me.
Now, if this sounds like self-pity, I assure you, that on the whole, I think I avoided that. I was sufficiently self-aware to know, that many of the problems were of my own making, and that if they weren’t, then there were solutions to many of the issues I faced.
Chief amongst these issues was my depression. It is something I think I have dealt with for many years, probably going back to childhood. I did seek help for this a few years ago, and on the whole, it had been largely beneficial. But not long after, my life went through some major changes, and (and I would advise against this) I put my mental health way down the list of my priorities.
And so, it was only at the beginning of 2019, when again there was a fair amount of turmoil in my life, that I felt I had to do something about this. So, in the early part of that year, I began to do many of the things, I should have done a few years earlier and began to seek help for the way I was feeling. To be honest, I was extremely fortunate that the help I got was so good, and with a few minor setbacks, the last year or so has been one of a gradual improvement in my wellbeing and for that I feel incredibly grateful
During this period, as my outlook on life improved, I, perhaps inevitably, began to wonder if perhaps the prospect of beginning a relationship may be possible. In recent years, my only sexual outlet had been through an excessive use of porn. Now I am someone who is very pro porn, but I also acknowledge that one can easily develop an unhealthy relationship with it, and while I’m sure my consumption was dwarfed by many others, I felt it was something that was becoming too large a part of my life, to the detriment of things like human contact.
Now, I suppose the rational thing to do at this point would have been to sign up to an adult dating website and to find like-minded people, who I was attracted to. But life doesn’t always turn out the way you intend, and it was around this time that I found the world of female and financial domination. I have written about this in a previous blog so I won’t cover that here, but given that I was trying to reduce a “vice” which I felt had increasingly become unhealthy, this seems on reflection to not really make a great deal of sense. Was I exchanging one vice for another? Possibly. All I can say is, that my porn consumption had increasingly gone from fairly vanilla clips, to various forms of BDSM and in particular ones where I increasingly identified with the submissive. I think, I always knew I had submissive tendencies, but increasingly I became convinced that it was more than a tendency and was a fundamental part of who I was.
I suppose at this point, I could have engaged a session with a Dominatrix and gone and visited Her once a month and that would, I’m sure, have sated some of the feelings I had. But the on-line world, perhaps counter-intuitively, seemed far more likely to bring something approaching the sort of relationship I increasingly felt I needed.
The past fifteen months has genuinely been one of real growth. All the fantasies that used to be satisfied to increasingly diminishing degrees, are now satisfied in a way that I would never have felt possible. I have developed a relationship with Princess Miki that I would never have imagined possible in my wildest dreams. I believe, and I hope She would agree, that we have a relationship built on trust, total honesty, and excellent communication. And these are things I have struggled with in every conventional relationship I have ever had, yet the dynamic between the two of us: Her undoubted superiority and power, coupled with my need to worship and obey Her, brings me everything I want and need out of a relationship.
That is why when I say, I want to serve Her for ever, it is not hyperbole, but something I feel in every pore of my body. I don’t say this lightly, when I say that I was born to serve Her: I definitely needed to find someone to submit to, and undoubtedly it could quite easily have not been Her, but I know, I have found someone where the dynamic that exists between us, for me at least, is perfect.
When I look back on the last fifteen months, and in particular the latter half of that period, it feels like I have discovered so much about myself, yet it is difficult to quite understand how these things came about. It is as if She has managed to help me unearth parts of myself, apparently immutable things that I took for granted, like my identity and my sexuality that are so different from what I once thought and that now, on reflection, seem obvious, but had been hidden under years and years of self-doubt, self-loathing, shame and embarrassment. More and more I am happy because Princess Miki has given me a safe space where I can feel free to discover who I am and what I need. I can serve Her and know there will be no judgment.
I have often said to Her that I think of Her as a God, someone who is truly divine; and to prove this, I built and continue to build Her a shrine. Now, when I say this, I don’t mean in a “built the world in six days” kind of way. I am an atheist, anyway. What I mean by that is that what people traditionally seek in religion – certainty, happiness, comfort, peace, a set of guiding principles, a need to worship, obey and submit – are all there when I think of my relationship with Her. And I don’t need faith to believe in Her: She is a very real presence in my life. And I think, well I know, that when I think of Her and what She gives me: a sense of (desired) obligation, a need for ritual, a sense of reverence and a real bond that feels spiritual, they all feel religious in nature.
But I think more than anything, and this is true of religion and its devotees, what She has brought me is a real sense of my identity. And this seems to have occurred again, without me needing to say too much. As time has passed, Her intuition and understanding of me, along with my increased self-knowledge and a growing need to discover who I am, has led to something life-changing, unexpected, and for me, incredibly exciting.
Despite the name I go by on Twitter, Abby, I was born, lived and continue to live my life outside this world as a man. I wouldn’t say I have been completely uncomfortable as a man, in fact in many ways quite the opposite, and if you met me, I am reasonably sure you would agree. But it is also true that there are aspects of maleness, which I feel uneasy with, and I believe that people who know me better would, if they were honest, say that with many of the expectations that are placed upon men, I fall somewhat short. I can at times, well quite a bit of the time, feel extremely uncomfortable around men, because I feel a distance between myself and so many of them, that there is something missing in my brain and when I socialise in very male environments, I don’t know how to behave. I don’t understand the codes of engagement that seem to come natural to others.
On the other hand, when it comes to women, and I suppose this is not a massive shock given the world I find myself in, I tend to put them on pedestals, revering them from afar, too socially awkward, overcome too often by a feeling of terrible social anxiety. I have long had this feeling of inferiority coupled with a reverence for all things female.
To be honest, for most of my life, I tried not to examine these things too closely. I just didn’t consider that they amounted to much, other than if you added them all together, I felt an incredible sense of social isolation. Even when I was in ostensibly happy relationships.
But as my time with Princess Miki has progressed, and we spoke about needs, desires, kinks it became increasingly obvious that there was a part of my personality, a more feminine part, that I had, for whatever reason – probably social pressure and a desire, through shyness, to sink into the background – been burying an important part of my personality.
The sense of what this all meant came slowly. We talked about sissies and I tentatively began wearing lingerie occasionally and lacy panties on a regular basis. I also tried putting on make-up. I did enjoy it, but it still felt like a kink, fun for sure, but no more than that. It also felt, and this may have been on my mind, that there was an element of humiliation and emasculation in wearing these items. Now I am certainly not seeking to criticise this as a way to sexual fulfillment. I understand that many people enjoy this and have no desire to judge them for that, but it was not what I was looking for.
To be honest I can’t really remember the chain of events, who said what, and how it came about. But at some point, Princess Miki and I felt that I needed to buy some boots: thigh high boots. I had often spoken to Her of these as something that was a massive turn on for me, but I had always assumed that it was only other people wearing them that had that effect on me. But I can’t deny that the week, long wait for them was tortuous and when they arrived my heart was racing in a way that took me totally by surprise. And when I tried them on, I felt something that to be honest I have never felt before.
As you may have gathered from this, I have always been very shy and have viewed most social situations with a feeling of dread. Clothes have, generally speaking, served no more than as a function to maintain social propriety and, if possible, to allow me to sink into the background and to hopefully go unnoticed.
But when I put on those boots, I felt something else, something new: I felt powerful; they didn’t feel like camouflage, designed to help me hide from the world, but were expressing something in me; something fundamental, a part of me that I had hidden away, because of what? A sense of embarrassment and shame? Yes, probably. Along with so many other things which objectively I knew were ridiculous, but still things which I felt, which I knew would single me out, would ruin the perfectly effective disguise I had built myself.
I can’t begin to explain the euphoria that this brought me; the feeling of a particularly recalcitrant door being pushed open to reveal something about myself, a door that I had kept firmly shut without even really knowing or being curious about what was behind it. From then on, I spent an increasing amount of time looking at women’s clothes, keen to find out if a skirt, dress, or blouse could engender that same feeling, that same euphoria. I wanted to know what I looked best in. I wanted to try everything on. And just like the boots, when the clothes arrived, I felt the same excitement, the same desire to try them on straight away, And yes, again, I felt the same power, the same sense of a new identity being carved, the same sense of relief.
Now I think it would be perfectly reasonable at this point to think that this is a kink. I can’t deny that when I get on the internet, and look at clothes, I want to buy, I feel excited and aroused. But more than that, it feels like a genuine expression of a part, and an important part at that, of who I am. When I put on the clothes, they don’t feel functional, but they feel like an external expression of something I feel on the inside.
I am not exchanging the disguise I feel obliged to wear every day in my vanilla life, just to find another one. This is a genuine part of me that, at the moment, I don’t feel ready to express anywhere other than here. And maybe I never will. Perhaps in a different world, I am happy for this part of my personality to merge seamlessly with the one I have lived with for so long. But at the moment I don’t feel ready for that. And maybe I never will. I am just relieved that that I have discovered this part of my personality and am excited by the prospect of the journey I have begun.
And hence Abby. Princess Miki felt that I should use a feminine name to denote this part of me. This is who I want to be when I am in this world, that is who is devoting her life to Princess Miki. I still have to be, well for the time being at least, the person I was born as. I still have to don that disguise, wear those unremarkable clothes, but here, here in this world, in the world of strong, beautiful, and incredible Dommes and their subs and slaves, I can be Abby.