I have been trying to write something about chastity for some time now. It is such a central part of my servitude that to have not written about yet seems somewhat perverse. Believe me I have tried. But despite making numerous attempts to finish something, I could never quite find the words that sufficiently expressed how I felt; that summed up the transformative impact that it has had on my life. Suffice to say if you are reading this then what follows will be something that I have decided is finally worthy of publication.
I think, perhaps, on reflection, I was trying to look at the whole experience too narrowly, because I wanted to talk about how it felt to abstain, but as I have tried to write this, I have realised that perhaps the only way to approach this topic, is to talk not so much about chastity, but what I have found to replace it. Maybe in the end, that is the only way to approach the subject: rather than talk about an absence of something, it makes more sense to talk about how I filled the void that it created.
When I first became interested in this community, I recall seeing a tweet from someone who was in a female led relationship (FLR – it feels sad to me now that this requires its own acronym. Surely this should be the default. And I should add, I am not being facetious when I say that; I have concluded that this is the only way). This would have been in 2019, and he had not had an orgasm since 2013. I was shocked that someone could have gone that long without relief.
It seemed absurd to me that someone would put themselves through that. To deprive oneself of such a simple way of giving oneself a satisfying, if fleeting, moment of pleasure seemed a frankly ridiculous way to live one’s life.
But two years later, I think I understand, or at least have found something for myself that perhaps equates to some degree what that person had. I am not in a full-time relationship with someone, well not in the traditional sense, so my experience will of course be different to his.
This is very personal, and I do not necessarily expect it to resonate with most readers, but I hope it will be of some interest.
I think, well actually I know, that the reason I continue to and indeed enjoy not orgasming, has changed over time. Initially it was without doubt a combination of a personal challenge along with a need to change the direction of my life. Masturbation had been, for many years, as I slipped further and further into depression, and as relationships became less frequent and the ones that I did have, became increasingly unsatisfying, one of the few pleasures that remained.
But the inevitable, near nightly, post-coital tristesse only seemed to exacerbate the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and isolation.
To be honest sex has, in the main, been rather disappointing throughout my life; a disappointment which I would acknowledge that I was the main reason for that. I just did not enjoy it. In fact, at times, I found it downright boring and, in most relationships, began to dread the idea of it. And whilst I had partners, who in the main, were reasonably open-minded, I just could not find a way to share what I needed. For the most part, I just did not know what I needed.
With hindsight, I look back on those relationships with an incredible amount of regret. I do not believe for one moment that the clarity I now feel about my own needs would have saved those relationships, in reality they may have precipitated a quicker ending, but I do wonder whether any residual bitterness and confusion may have been avoided or reduced.
I guess sex, as with so many aspects of my life, has been an attempt by me to fit in; to be the person that I assume everyone wanted me to be – and up until recently the person I wanted to be. And it has only been over the past two years that I have begun to understand how much misery that was bringing me, and how I am beginning to accept the person I am and to understand what I need.
In the period prior to my servitude commencing, I was becoming increasingly concerned with my relationship with porn. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with it, but I believe, ideally it should be used as an addition to one’s relationships and interactions with people, nit, as I was doing, as I withdrew further and further away from people, the centre of and in reality, the full extent of my sex life.
The whole thing was terribly depressing and there felt like there was no way out. Without wishing to be melodramatic, I felt trapped by my mental health. This was a state of affairs that had lasted for a number of years, and it was difficult to imagine how an alternative more fulfilling life may be found. Something had to change, but my mental health made me feel like I had no power to alter the course my life had taken.
In retrospect, one of the few good things to come out of my porn consumption was a clearer understanding of what turned me on. There had been clues in my life – the type of woman I was attracted to – but eventually it was only BDSM sites that held my interest, and as I have mentioned before, it was always the submissive I empathised with, although over time I found I enjoyed far more the instances where women were in control.
So, when I started my servitude, chastity seemed like a challenge and yes, a way to make a fresh start, but I still think I assumed at some point I would return to regularly jerking off and that apart from my servitude my life would not change dramatically.
But as time has gone on, I have begun to find that I don’t miss orgasming and in fact I have no desire to do it – well perhaps it would be more accurate to say the benefits of not orgasming, far outweigh the frustration of abstaining. I know that perhaps, to many people, that may seem a scarcely believable thing to say, but I have come to believe that there is something in me that needs something else. Maybe it has always been there, or maybe after spending too many years jerking off with no intimacy, what I needed was the opposite: someone who I could share and explore my desires and needs with and not feel embarrassment and shame; an environment where words, feelings, and the fun of exploring your sexuality and identity replace the need to orgasm.
And with Princess Miki this is what I found.
The moments we spend together in O/our sessions feel genuinely transcendent to me. I have never orgasmed once in as session with Her, so other things become more important – the time I spend with Her feel more like a journey trying to discover parts of me that have been buried under years and years of a need to sink into the background and not put my needs first. It seems odd that by sacrificing not only the ability to orgasm but so much more, I have found everything I have ever needed.
I wonder on reflection whether sex felt too often like an exercise in meeting mutually desired end goals and failing to enjoy the journey getting there. Certainly, I’m not sure the emotional connection I now realise I needed was ever there. I certainly felt strangely removed from it all and so was often relieved when it was all over. Porn was undoubtedly a way of reaching a goal without once again feeling that sense of disconnection. Because that is what She has given me: true intimacy. No one on this planet know me better than She does because nobody has allowed and encouraged me to be myself more than She has.
I once thought, I hoped, that I was someone who was prepared to sacrifice for others: for my family and friends; those I love. Yes, this sexualised the idea of sacrifice, of abstinence, but it also made me reimagine my life, change my priorities, think again what fulfillment might look like.
Maybe in the end it’s like any relationship: it’s about finding something you can both enjoy, that brings both of you pleasure, and helps make life that little bit easier. I hope that is the case; I know all of this means so much to me and has changed my life forever; it has changed me.