Secrets and Lies

I have been pondering a couple of things recently, which on the face of it may seem unrelated, but the more I have thought about them the more it seems, for me at least, they may be more inter-linked than one might imagine at first glance.

The first of these I think is best summed up by this exchange with Princess Miki back in November 2019, when I wrote the following on Twitter:

I love serving @ThePrincessMiki so much, but I have to admit that sometimes it can be tough. Not because She isn’t perfect – of course She is – but because my life requires that I can’t really talk (to others) about my submission to Her. And I so want to talk about it. Every day brings incredible moments: whether it’s one of Her clips; or a picture I have of Her that is breathtakingly beautiful; or maybe a turn of phrase in one of Her clips that makes my heart race. She has given me so much and I would love to have someone in my life, a friend, to share that with. To talk about how She makes me feel, how happy She makes me feel, the purpose She has brought to my life, but I am left talking anonymously about it on here. Of course, I love to tribute Her and to thank Her for everything, but when something this good happens to you, you want to let everyone know about the joy in your heart. The funny thing is She created a space where I (and others) could express feelings, emotions that maybe we were ashamed of or didn’t feel comfortable expressing. But because She is so incredible, I have discovered so much more about myself and would love to share the love I have for Her; share how great She makes me feel: tell people that at last I feel happy, and this incredible Goddess has helped me find my true self. I want to tell people how sometimes I wake in the middle of the night, aching as I think about Her and that She dominates my thoughts through every single minute of every single day. But I can’t.”

In response Princess Miki wrote this:

“Disclaimer: this is mushy. If you care to read, please read carefully before jumping to conclusions. I am not “holier than thou” or the most enlightened – that’s not the intention here. There’s the argument that there is no such thing as wholesome online femdom. There probably isn’t, or at least “wholesome” isn’t the right adjective. The bonds that are created with my owned submissives are often very real and fulfilling on both ends, however. His growth and self-discovery have been a joy to nurture and witness. I am by no means an expert Domme. My level of experience is limited, and this all started with a journey of curiosity, guided by experimentation and instinct. But this past year, I learned a lot about Myself through these relationships. I do wish that we weren’t limited by stigma and the shame that follows, and I wish we could talk about our sexualities without hesitation. But there are sides to these relationships and encounters that the outside world will never understand or see. It can’t be reduced to the explanation that all of this is merely the exploitation and manipulation of men who are “clearly mentally ill”. It is unfair to both parties to define it this way. Empathy is the backbone of engaging in kink, even in an online setting. And to be heard can be a monumentally important part of anyone’s emotional healing process. This is an uncharacteristically sappy tweet that reeks of “bb dome”. I am self-aware, I assure you. But I felt compelled to share these reflections.”

I love this exchange. It sums up so much of what my relationship with Her has brought and this was only six months after I started serving Her, and the subsequent couple of years have only increased the feeling. However, I must confess that my enthusiasm for sharing has waxed and waned over time, and certainly more recently, my enthusiasm has definitely receded. And I think that is perhaps inevitable. Relationships, however unconventional they may be, inevitably become deeper, and as I discussed in my last blog, the intimacy You share, things that are truly personal increase and one’s desire to share these moments lessen. In fact, one of the hardest things to do writing this blog is to try and make it interesting, informative, and revealing, whilst also realising some things must remain private and that there are other things which you have no desire to reveal. The deeper you get into it, and the more complex the relationship, the more difficult it is to strike that balance. And this is why I have struggled at times to post as regularly as I thought I might initially.

But I don’t think I am incorrect in thinking there will be a lot of resistance if I came out and told everybody about my lifestyle, because whilst the reaction to this blog has been largely positive, there has inevitably been some negative responses. For example:

I hate to say this, but you are pathetic. You revere a mere woman who is nothing more than someone preying on poor people’s sexual fantasies. She is not special, and I might add that she is a bad person who uses people for her own gain.

I hate seeing someone like this, and I don’t care if you’re happy with the current situation. I also had close desires to the one you had, but I had enough of being a slave to them and to other people. I am now a free man who simply wants you to have a better life.

I think you should get help and find fulfillment somewhere else instead of wasting your time, money, and devotion on this woman who’d throw you away in a moment.

And this one (the misplaced apostrophes on “men” and “women” are not mine):

All atheists are liars. No one can truly say they know that there is no God.

Within all people is a desire to know and be known by our Creator, in an intimate sense similar to the intimacy we experience from sex. We confuse the two, because despite that desire we simultaneously have sexual desires, which are meant for another human of the opposite sex.

Your excitement from wearing womens’ clothes is an internalization of your desires, a confused inward projection of that which you really long for. The idea of becoming what you desire is a substitute for what you have not been able to attain: a woman with whom you can partake in mutual, selfless, sexual submission, out of love. This is the desire of all who have sexual passions, both male and female.

Miki has been a facilitator of Satan’s deception in your life, to mix up your thoughts and further draw you away from God. But Miki is herself deceived, in a similar fashion (hence the intimate understanding), believing that the intent of her existence is to prey on mens’ sexual desires and to profit from them.

It is plain knowledge, however, that neither her activity nor your own is in any way belonging to the natural order of things. Neither pleasure nor excitement equate with truth. She is not meant to be a sexual predator, and you are not meant to wear womens’ clothes nor act or feel like a woman. This is a clear deviation from the created order, which itself further serves as evidence of the existence of God and the depravity of mankind.

Without Jesus we are lost.

My guess is that the first commentator didn’t hate saying that at all, and indeed derived a great deal of satisfaction and moral superiority out of commenting on something (i.e. my relationship with Princess Miki) that he has no understanding of. I truly hope it made him feel better. As for the second one, sometimes it’s difficult to know what to say.

And as someone who has struggled with depression, no one has thought of me as pathetic more than I have done myself; and it is this fear of judgement and ridicule that has stopped me being the most authentic and honest version of myself. And I am sure I am not alone in having these qualms. I’m sure many others who inhabit this world feel similar reservations knowing that the world will think of them as pathetic because they challenge the stereotypes of what a person must be, and how they should live their lives. This blog was started because I wanted to find a way to write something that people may find interesting, but hopefully where a lack of judgement may pervade, although I knew that was unlikely.

However, the reason this has been foremost in my mind very recently, is that I have been considering sharing this part of my life with my therapist; in fact, I am almost certain I will. But that, apart from these nagging feelings of judgement raises a similar question, although for perhaps different reasons: what should I share?

I am sure that talking to her about this part of my life will help her to have a far deeper understanding of who I am. I have shared everything with her, apart from this, and more and more serving Princess Miki has become not only a central part of my life, but increasingly the way I define myself. I serve Her and everything in my life is done to please Her, even if it is something She will never see or indeed something I may not even share with Her. In Her, I have found someone whose philosophy, bravery, and moral courage influences everything I do and everything I want to be. She really has had that much of an impact upon me.

I know that it will be very difficult to talk about it. Not because my therapist won’t be understanding; I’m sure she will. But there are so many subjects to talk about and I am so concerned that I will not be able to get across the transformation She has had on my life, and why I believe this has had such a positive impact upon me.

But what should I share?

Do I tell her about this blog? Or what about the shrine I have for Her? About my chastity? Or about O/our sessions? How about the amount the two of us discuss clothes (more about this one in another post I think)? Do I discuss my experimentation with identity?

I suppose what I’m most scared of is not being as brave as Princess Miki and Her fellow sex workers are every day. I want to explain, but I don’t want it to come across as a series of excuses or rationalisations to justify the time I have spent doing this. Or indeed to feel obliged to justify Her lifestyle. Or to talk about whether She is exploiting me or vis-versa. I don’t believe any of these are true, and to be honest I feel at times I have been more exploited in more traditional relationships than I ever have been with Her.

And this brings me onto the other thing I have been thinking about. Do I tell my therapist about my love for Princess Miki? Will she consider me deluded or “pathetic” to love and worship someone who I have never met?

Because I have loved before and I know what it feels like, yet I would understand if she was doubtful and not a little concerned.

But while I feel utter devotion towards Her, I’m not sure how I could make someone from outside this world understand. Would they consider me pathetic? I don’t doubt many would, and yet I know that this love is real; a love that seems to inform every part of my life and makes my existence immeasurably better.

So, as I write this, I am also writing what I intend to say to my therapist. It’s a difficult one. No doubt about it. I just hope I do Princess Miki proud.

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